Death by ChocolateRight?
by Missie2
Summary: On a distant planet that doubles up as an evil restaurant, the League are challenged to an eating contest...but Hawkgirl has an ace up her sleeve. Rated PG for Cheshire Cat sauciness.


**_Death By Chocolate…Right?_**

****

This here is a sidefic to Hawkgirl in Wonderland, and since I haven't finished that yet there will be spoilers. This is ever so slightly based on an episode of 'Urusei Yatsura'.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

And so, the League were stranded on a planet with little hope of escape. Superman couldn't blast the planet's forcefield with his laser vision, Diana couldn't punch it, Hawkgirl couldn't whack it, Flash couldn't run past it, Green Lantern couldn't pulverise it with the power of his own forcefield thereby cancelling it out with the power of double negatives, J'onn couldn't slip through it and Batman couldn't invent something on the spot with his magical Philip's Head screwdriver. They were screwed. But it could be worse.

The aliens that occupied the planet weren't hostile, just kind of creepy. They were tall, thin creatures, not unlike Martians. Their eyes were pale blue and watery and their skin was amber, and all of them wore the same peculiar pudding bowl haircut. They all wore waiter's uniforms, except for the Lord Mayor who wore Chef's whites and chequered trousers. And the planet wasn't really a planet; it was a restaurant.

A restaurant of _evil!_

The enticing smells of food made all the superheroes hungry, but the aliens had a price. All the food was ridiculously expensive. You could order the Bonanza platter, the waiters sneered at them, but no-one survived the Bonanza platter. Even the Daleks bowed before the Bonanza platter!

After a few moments of wondering who the heck the Daleks were, the team decided to take a chance on the Bonanza platter. The idea was that the waiters brought them plate after plate of food, and if they ate everything they got the force field would be disabled and they'd be allowed to go. If they failed, they'd have to pay for the food with their lives and be served up as the next dish.

"But," sneered the Lord Mayor, "we aren't heartless. You may choose three of your team to take on the Bonanza platter. If two of your team should fail, the last left has a chance to save them by finishing their meals!"

They discussed who should take the bullet for the team, and decided on Superman, Flash and Hawkgirl. Well, they didn't exactly choose Hawkgirl. She volunteered before anyone could stop her.

As they sat down to eat, Hawkgirl allowed herself a sly smile. She had an ace up her sleeve.

….

"Your starters, Sirs and Madam," sneered the waiter, placing a huge plate of noodles in front of them. "Gavorkian Noodle Flambé."

The three began to eat, and they found the noodle dish to be very filling. Flash's stomach groaned about halfway through, and Superman had to take a bathroom break, but Hawkgirl calmly and slowly cleaned her plate, one noodle at a time.

"Second Starter," sneered the waiter as he placed more huge dishes in front of them. "Volcano Roasted Chilli Wads."

This dish was so spicy that steam shot out of Flash's ears. Superman quite liked it though, and the rest of the team watched in disgust as he chewed wad after wad happily. Hawkgirl ate in silence, occasionally stopping to sip water.

….

_Three Hours Later:_

"Sautéed Fillet of Muskartodi."

The waiter put three giant platters in front of the superheroes. Flash groaned, releasing a belch as he did so. His sinus cavities felt packed with meat. Even Superman was starting to feel nauseous. His stomach was usually incredibly strong, but even a Kryptonian tummy had its limits.

Hawkgirl, on the other hand, was happily munching through yet another plate of greasy food. The only real change in her behaviour was that she'd taken off her mask.

….

_Five Hours Later…_

Flash slumped in his seat, moaning pitifully and dribbling some sort of yellow juice down his chin. He had only taken three mouthfuls of his Roasted Geme of Roxit Eel. He was finished.

The waiters caught him just before he could fall out of his chair and dragged him over to the rest of the League. They let him lie there, struggling to breathe, as the two alien contestants battled the gargantuan meal.

Well, Superman was battling at this stage. Hawkgirl was still going strong. Twenty eight rather large courses and yet she seemed as chipper as ever. Screw that, she was _more _chipper than usual. It was Green Lantern who discovered this. He'd been watching her since she began the contest, and noticed some rather strange differences between the Bonanza Platter's current champion and the woman who stole all the covers off of his bed every night.

She was pleasant to the waiters. That in itself was a miracle, because Hawkgirl was rarely pleasant to anyone, but being pleasant to an enemy?

"Your next course, madam. Bergoni Plaster Soufflé," said the waiter as he placed the next course in front of her.

"Thank you, it looks wonderful!" Hawkgirl trilled enthusiastically.

"Uh, you're welcome," mumbled the waiter, rubbing his arm nervously.

"D-damn you, you shuper-villain…" slurred Superman as they gave him yet another massive platter of food. His stomach bulged unattractively over his Lycra belt.

_Two hours later…_

Superman was beaten. Not by his Arch Enemy Lex Luthor. Not by Darkseid, or Apokolips, or even by Lois Lane. He was beaten by a plate of Grilled Nextorna with Bouquet Garni.

"Glurg," was all he could say as the waiters attempted to hoist him out of his chair. Hawkgirl's response was to grab his plate and finish it off. The waiters watched her curiously.

"I thought she'd be the first to go. She's so skinny!" muttered one waiter.

"Maybe that's why she can eat so much. Y'know, making up for lost time?" another said.

"If she keeps on like this, her figure will be ruined," the first waiter said, with actual concern. Then he decided to act on his concern.

"Madam?" he called cautiously, approaching her carefully. She'd been annoyingly pleasant all night, but there was still that scary-looking weapon sitting by her feet to be mindful of.

"Yes?" she answered. She was smiling cutely, a little _too_ cutely.

"Well, it's just… your figure… if you keep eating…"

She silenced him by raising her hand.

"Let me worry about my figure, you just worry about bringing me more food. Now shoo!" she commanded, waving him away.

Over in the corner, behind the beached bodies of Superman and The Flash, the other superheroes watched with mounting incredulity.

"Do Thanagarians have three stomachs or something?" Wonder Woman whispered to Batman.

"I don't think so, but I can't say for sure," he whispered back.

"I've never seen her eat like this. Most of the time she eats like… well, a bird," whispered Green Lantern.

"Finished," Hawkgirl called in a sing-song voice. The Head Waiter's eyebrow twitched. Her cheerfulness was getting on his nerves.

_Three hours later…_

It took sixteen waiters to lift the Whole Broiled Mitochondora onto the table, and the table legs groaned under the weight, but Hawkgirl still managed to eat it. And she was still relentlessly chirpy about it.

"The extra glint of grease really inflames my appetite," she warbled to the dumbfounded waiter.

The group over by the corner gaped.

"Where the hell is she putting it all?" asked J'onn.

"By Hera, her metabolism must be like a furnace," said Wonder Woman with more than a hint of envy.

"And why is she being so nice about it all?" muttered Green Lantern.

In the kitchen, the aliens were trying to quell their panic. They were actually running out of food. In the two hundred years since the intergalactic restaurant was established, no-one had ever finished the Bonanza Platter. Desperate times call for desperate measures. The Head Chef brought out a little bottle of pills.

"What is that stuff?" asked the waiter holding the tray.

"Bloat-a-Roni," answered the Head Chef. "You mix it in with food and it expands three hundred times in the stomach. That'll put that little glutton out for the count!"

He put three little pills in the batter and poured it over the dish, pausing every now and then to cackle wickedly.

It took twenty waiters to lift out the spiked meal, Flash-Fried Rib of Morkhet, and set it on the table. The waiters watched curiously as Hawkgirl began to eat.

"I must say," spoke up one of the younger waiters, "I really admire your dedication to the task at hand, Madam. But aren't you worried about weight gain?"

"Not at all," she answered smoothly. "I've been dieting."

"Dieting? Really?" he asked.

"Yep. In fact, I took a few Bloat-a-Roni on the way here." She paused briefly in her eating to wonder why the waiters suddenly had tears in their eyes.

_Ten minutes later…_

It was all over. The waiters were in tears. Hawkgirl was still as thin as a whip.

"Is that it?" she asked, wiping her mouth delicately with her napkin.

"Yes," sobbed the Head Chef. "Unless you want dessert!"

"No, I don't have much of a sweet tooth," she sighed. "You can just lower the forcefield and we'll go."

They left the planet with the wails of the waiter-aliens ringing in their ears. Superman and The Flash were loaded onto stretchers. Hawkgirl practically skipped onto the ship. She had just sat down when the rest of the League demanded answers.

"How could you eat so much and not get fat? That's not fair!" Diana screamed at her.

"I can't explain it. It's a secret…"Hawkgirl answered calmly.

"Secret? That's ridiculous! I've seen you eat! You're a bloody pigeon!" said Green Lantern.

Hawkgirl would have responded, but a sudden, melodic voice filled the room, a woman's voice with a smooth trilling sound to it. The voice was singing.

_'Twas brillig and the slithy toves_

_Did gyre and gambol in the wabe… _

A long, thin tail appeared out of nowhere, lashing back and forth until it revealed a pair of curvaceous, boot-clad legs.

_All mimsy were the borogoves_

_And the momeraths outgrabe…_

The tail rose again and revealed the rest of the figure, one body part at a time. Following the legs were the wildly curvy hips, a nicely-proportioned bust and a thin waist. Topping it off was a gloriously pretty face framed by acres of orange curls. She smiled at the flabbergasted crew and waved at Hawkgirl.

"Hello dear!" she trilled. Hawkgirl swore under her breath.

"What the hell do you want?" she demanded, noticeably crossing her arms over her breasts.

"The Authoress sent me, dear. To thank you for all the food."

Batman groaned inwardly. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Hawkgirl couldn't have eaten all that food herself. Why didn't he realise that she had some sexy bikini clad cat woman with materialization powers helping her out?

Wait…what?

"Well, that's nice," said Hawkgirl, her pleasant tone going completely out the window. "Now you can go!"

"Hang on a moment…" said Green Lantern, and he pointed at the cat woman. "Who is this?"

Hawkgirl sighed.

"This is the Cheshire Cat," she mumbled. "And I didn't eat any of the food. I sent it through Hammerspace™ to her home."

"And we're all very grateful dear!" chirped the Cheshire Cat. "After all, we're such terrible cooks. We prefer to bake most of the time, but it's so unhealthy…"

"Yes, yes, yes, whatever! What did the Authoress say?"

"She gave me a note!" The Cheshire Cat grinned for a moment, but then her face fell into an expression of confusion.

"What's wrong?" asked Diana, who was just finding her voice again after the initial surprise.

"I can't remember where I put the note!" squealed the Cat, then she turned around in a series of hurried circles. Five minutes later she uttered a little cheer.

"I remember! I put it in my bra for safe keeping!" She rummaged around in the skimpy article of clothing, and Flash regained consciousness just long enough to watch.

"Found it dear!" she said at last, pulling out a tiny slip of paper. She cleared her throat, adopted a lilting Irish accent and recited the note aloud.

_Dear Hawkgirl,_

_Thanks for all the food-nyo, but if you were really generous-nyo you would have thrown in some booze too. Oh well, I won't begrudge you. The nurse and the stewardess have been singing your praises to high heaven-nyo, and I must say it's rare to get all the girls in the one place-nyo for such a long time. As you can imagine, the Jabberwocky is having a field day-nyo. Most of the girls are having to go commando at this stage, but it's all in good fun-nyo._

_It's nice to see you're getting to be a dab hand at using Hammerspace™. Soon you'll be dipping in and out of here like a pro-nyo. Please send the Cheshire Cat back to me in one piece-nyo. She needs to do my washing._

_The Authoress._

"What's Hammerspace™ ?" asked Green Lantern.

"Beats me," answered Hawkgirl.

"If you use it, how can you not know what it is?" asked Batman.

"No-one knows what it is. Even the Authoress doesn't know, and she invented the freakin' thing."

"That makes no sense…"

"It's not meant to. Get over it. And now…" she said, turning back to the Cheshire Cat, "you can go back home."

But the Cat didn't move. She was staring at Hawkgirl with an odd little smile on her face.

"W-what? Why are you looking at me like that?" she said nervously. She took a step back. Then the Cat uttered an ear-splitting shriek and jumped on her.

"HUG ME!" she screeched, knocking over the alarmed superhero and half-choking her in a bone-crushing hug.

Green Lantern couldn't decide what to do. The scream had provoked him into defensive mode, and from where he was standing it looked as though the Cat was attacking Hawkgirl. How could he be sure? He shot a bolt of energy at the Cat…but it didn't exactly have the effect he was intending.

The energy glanced off of the Cat's bra clasp and bikini shorts, tearing them both into little bits. The scraps of material fell onto the ground, leaving her naked except for her boots and gloves. Both Superman and Flash woke up then and gaped.

"Hee hee…Oh my!" said the Cat, trying to cover up her breasts.

"Nice going, Lantern," snarled Hawkgirl. "Why don't you blast off my clothes too? Then we can really get down."

The Cat, still straddling Hawkgirl, grinned wickedly.

"He doesn't have to do that dear! Allow me!" With that, the Cat pounced on her and attempted to undo her bustier.

"GAH! Stop it! I was being sarcastic!"

"This ish de greatesst day off my life!" slurred Flash, grinning even as meat juice dripped from his mouth.

Finally, after a colossal struggle, Hawkgirl managed to pry the nearly-naked Cat girl off of her. Reaching into the air, she created a black hole simply by waving her arm and threw the cat into it.

"Tell the Authoress not to send you lot to deliver messages again! And get some proper clothes!" she yelled after the disappearing form. Turning back to the others, she heard Batman waxing lyrical about Hammerspace™.

"Imagine the applications… we could send food to starving countries, cut the cost of long-haul travel, zip to anywhere in the universe in seconds to fight crime! Hawkgirl, is there anything else you can tell us about this Hammerspace™?"

"Uh… just that they use it to house a bunch of pretty, half-naked layabouts."

"Woah…you mean there's _space_ in there? It's not just a portal?" he asked. No-one had ever seen Batman so excited about something before, which is really quite sad.

"There's nothing but space in there," she answered, wishing they'd change the subject. "It's like a whole universe."

"Jesus," breathed Batman. "A hyper-cold storage for criminals… this is the greatest discovery in scientific history!"

Just then, another tiny hole opened in the middle of the cockpit. A baseball came flying out of it, with a small piece of paper attached, and hit Batman right in the back of the head. Picking it up, he read out the note, which was written in crayon and almost illegible.

_Shut your goddamn mouth-nyo_

_Or I will kick you square-nyo_

_In the balls…asshole._

_The Authoress-nyo._

And that was the end of it. Batman sulked for days, but the thought of a three-foot-tall cat-girl hopping out of a portal in space just to kick him in the crotch was just too terrifying for words.

The End.


End file.
